My Podcast

Reflection
I chose podcast as my medium because I was not comfortable with doing a video. Some struggles I encountered was recording really. Not only was this week hectic with my extracurricular activities (I was getting home extremely late), we had two mock AP exams, and it's just been so stressful! After getting over how terrible my voice sounds, recording was just as bad. I kept messing up, loud background noises would happen, and it was just frustrating. Planes kept flying by and my siblings who are both autistic kept being loud, but I'm not mad at them, it's a regular thing in our house. Editing wasn't as bad, I actually had a lot of fun and learned a lot. I'm obviously not a pro and I accidentally merged the two tracks together by saving, so I feel really disappointed that I couldn't edit it anymore. I'm content with what I have, but I still feel like it's terrible, I could have done better. My breathing might be irregular in this track so I'm sorry I always get nervous during recordings.

Again I'm okay with the product, I'm satisfied with my speech, I just feel like it could have been better but it's too late. Like I feel satisfied and frustrated at the same time.

I just hope everyone likes it and my voice doesn't sound disgusting.

 Speech: Ends officially at 4:03

Terms To Know:
-Agender:  As someone who identifies as agender, to me it means not identifying with gender at all. Meaning I don't identify as male or female, which can also be called "non binary".

- Aromantic: As someone who identifies as aromantic, to me it means not feeling any romantic attraction towards anyone.

-Asexual: Same idea as aromantic, but this to me means not feeling any sexual attraction towards anyone.

*I defined them personally because not every agender, aromantic, or asexual person you meet will be exactly like me, it's a whole spectrum regarding gender and sexuality.*

The American Dream is about self fulfilment,  everyone dreams of becoming more, earning more, or even getting more. It’s fame for you, a house for others, for me it’s happiness. My American Dream, though it may shock you, is just wanting to feel content with my life because I’m currently not.  

“Why aren't you grateful for what you have?”  I’m sure you’d ask, and it’s not like I’m ungrateful for the opportunities I’ve been given such as OppNet, I am grateful. OppNet has taught me more about professionalism and college prep than I’d ever know if I prepped myself, but even with these opportunities I feel limited to show my potential. There’s not much going for us art students in the professional world, hence the term “starving artist”. Our industrial society craves art and creativity yet shames the youth for pursuing such a passion. It’s all about earning the big buck by being a lawyer, doctor or engineer today, once you pick up a guitar you’re automatically a failure. A person that someone can look at and say “I’m glad I’m not her”.

I’m also queer. Being aromantic, asexual, and agender isn’t easy. I’m not the “normal female” people want me to be. It’s always the same dialogue every time, “you reproduce asexually?”, “I’m sure you just haven’t found the right guy yet”, “it’s just a phase”.

Clearly I don’t fit the mold, I’m not the ideal Indian girl my conservative family wants. I’m not the entrepreneur, I'm the starving artist, the idealist, the outcast, maybe one could even describe me as being everything nobody wants.

You think being queer and an artist was enough right? (short pause) I’m also mentally ill.

Have you ever heard someone talk positively about a mentally ill queer artist? Because I haven’t.

It’s hard to open up about having depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress disorder. Stigma on mental illness is everywhere, from the scoffs, to the eye rolling, to the “are you really depressed? I bet you’re just seeking for attention”.

Maybe I am seeking for attention because it sure is lonely being isolated for illnesses you have no control over.

To others I’m the alarm clock constantly buzzing that nobody wants to hear, I’m the flame for rumors,, I’m the “downer” friend, I’m the bird with clipped wings. It’s interesting how inhumane one can feel for just being human.

“So you aren’t happy?”, you ask.  I guess not, and that’s why feeling content with my life is my dream. Yeah being mentally ill makes me lose motivation, and yeah being queer can get me killed, and maybe I’ll always be the“Don’t be like her when you grow up” to little kids when their parents speak of me, but that doesn’t make my dream less attainable. One day I’ll be surrounded by people that love me. One day my life won’t always be looking forward to the weekend. One day I’m going to feel happy, and it won’t be temporary. The American Dream is attainable but first I need to find a place where I belong.

Maybe you’ll never accept me for who I am, and I’ve come to realize that’s okay. Because I’m still an artist, I’m still queer, and I’m still mentally ill at the end of the day whether you like it or not. This is my dream, not yours, and letting myself be happy is how I’m going to make my life feel complete.

How far do you think a bird with clipped wings can go? I bet you think not that far, but I think it can go as far as it wants